The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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