my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
