1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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