dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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