Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
