do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
