So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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