I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
