Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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