Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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