We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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