Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
