conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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