I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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