i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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