If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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