yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize