eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
