just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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