If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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