Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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