I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
