you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
