normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
