please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
