I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
