this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
