someone threw a dead crab at me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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