I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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