God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
