Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
i think i just lost a toe
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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