I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
