mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The Olympian is in my bed
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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