at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
