do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
