Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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