I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
