that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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