i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
