GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
