this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
