i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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