My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
