I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
