Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
