Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
