Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
