you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Is it because I queefed?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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