its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
