so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
