I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
