we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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