Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
