we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
